Martha and I made it to six months, plus a week or so, with exclusive nursing (or almost exclusive, since we started her on fruits and veggies in the 5th month). It was not always easy, it was not always convenient, but we did it.

In hindsight, it’s so hard to know if it really WAS the best thing I could do for her – given the fact that she started losing weight (or not gaining), and I started losing my hair and have not been in good health the entire time, BUT… we did it. I have such mixed feelings about the whole subject, and it’s such a touchy subject to discuss with other bf’ing moms, who often have very militant thoughts about it. I really, really wanted to make it to a year with her, but there just was no way I could justify my health (and hers) by continuing. When your cardiologist tells you that you should quit, to be less at risk for stroke and bleeding in the brain… well, yeah – duh. So, now we’re done, and I’m on strong BP meds and hoping to get my strength and energy back.

I haven’t done any research on it, but it seems to me that there is a little grieving period during weaning. I’m sure most women would agree that they experienced grief at the letting go of this precious time, but I think there is also a grief that the baby experiences. Martha was not herself when we went through this process, and there were several times where it seemed like she was just so SAD. She would grab at my shirt, and clench it tight, and try to pull on it… and she would then give up… and then repeat the process. Her little eyes looked up at me like, WHY???, when I couldn’t/wouldn’t give in and feed her. It was such a blessing to have my mother here to help, because I am not sure I could have done it every day alone. I know I would have wanted to break down and just feed her, and then we would have never gotten anywhere. The fact that we needed to do it quickly probably didn’t help either, but it could have been much worse.

Thankfully, she and I are both recovering from the transition, and she is now a little more cuddly with daddy and others, which is a nice change for everyone. She has been SUCH a Mama’s girl for these last six months, and we are all appreciating the difference. I get a little bit of a break now and then, and Daddy gets some bonding time with his little girl.

Now to wait it out to be sure that I don’t need heart surgery. I go in for a procedure on the 22nd to confirm the newest doctors’ opinion that I do NOT need to have my VSD (a hole between the ventricles) repaired. I’m not looking forward to the procedure, as it requires them to put me under and go down my throat with a scope, but if it tells them that I don’t need surgery – well, then I need to do this!

More later – time for lunch!

Humility – my new best friend.

Lately, things with Samuel have been a bit “tough”. He is getting closer to turning 4, and he is bound and determined to become independent RIGHT NOW! Every day, he pushes my buttons and finds new ways to make himself a contender for the “Most Annoyingly Independent, Charmingly Spastic and Crazy Cute, Drive My Mama Up a Wall, Three Year Old” award. Lately, I’ve found my patience running thin, and there has been a bit more yelling (from both him AND me) than I’d like to have in my home. Well, honestly, I’d rather have NO yelling, so it’s been a bit more than a bit more… it’s just been too much. I am struggling with finding the right kinds of discipline for him, and being OK with those choices.

Last week, we had the Mommy/Son clash from you-know-where. He has been having extreme difficulty with naptime, for a variety of reasons. First, there is the “I’m not tired, even though I’m yawning and fussing a lot” reason. That’s numero uno with three year olds. Secondly, there is the fact that Mommy can NOT get both boys synchronized, so they nap at the same time. I try, but to no avail, so far. So, Baby goes to sleep too early, and wakes up right when Samuel should go down. Or Baby goes to sleep about a half hour early, and Samuel wakes him up when he goes to bed. Or Samuel goes to sleep, and Baby is still up, but then goes to sleep, but is fussy, so wakes Samuel up. Or any mixture of the above scenarios, times 10, per day.

So, I’m a bit frustrated at nap time. And Samuel knows it. He pushes and pushes, checking on my limits and the boundaries in the situation. And, last week, he pushed one too many times, and found a new limit. Mom turned into a Screaming Banshee… and within 30 seconds, all three of us were crying/yelling/screaming. (Poor Baby Allan – he was just hungry!) It wasn’t a happy few minutes. And it was certainly the kind of tantrum I’d hoped to avoid at all costs – and I’m talking about the Mama tantrum!

Amazingly enough, Samuel took a nap that day. But, I wasn’t as happy about it as I would have been under other circumstances. I want him to nap, but I’d really rather not scream at him to get it to happen. It’s such a tough thing for me – finding the right balance between healthy discipline without turning into a scary mom. It was the first time I felt so at my wits end, (thankfully it hasn’t happened before to that extent!), but I often feel uncomfortable with discipline in general. Samuel seems to need us to be harder on him right now, but I don’t like it. And I think he is smart enough to sense my confusion and uncertainty. I wish I could be 100% convinced that how I’m disciplining him is the “right way”, but I’m not even close. Hubby is sure – with no doubts – and I envy that.

About humility. I need to work on a plan of action for discipline, and be ready to stick with it – and I also need to work on my anger. Lately Samuel has started reacting angrily to me when we clash on something, and he has this funny little “ggrrrrr” thing he does. Only, it’s not so funny, because as hubby pointed out the other night – he got it from me. Ouch!! I didn’t realize how much I “grrrrr” when I’m frustrated. But I need to stop.

So, here’s to 2006 and working on patience and ridding myself of needless anger. And to better naptimes!

It was naptime, and my 3 year old was stalling.

“Mama, I gotta kiss baby night-night. Night-night baby AB baby AB*… kiss on forehead… kiss on cheek… kiss on other cheek” .

He glances at mama to make sure he’s not in trouble.

“Oh, and kiss on hand… kiss on other hand… kiss on knee… kiss on other knee”.

Another quick glance, and it starts over. “Night-night baby AB baby Ab…kiss on forehead…”

And Mama finally interupts… “Ok, enough kissing, time for nap, buddy!” … beaming on the inside at the sweetness of her boys.

*And no, it’s not a typo – S really does call him “Baby AB Baby AB” Sometimes it’s “Baby AB AB Baby AB Baby”

Last night, Baby AB slept for an entire 8 hours in a row. 8 hours is generally recommended as the amount of time an average person should sleep every night. I can’t remember the last time I had 8 hours of uninterupted sleep. It was probably over a year ago, before baby and before pregnancy and before moving to Las Vegas. It’s been one long year of sleep deprivation, really. I looked it up today, just out of curiosity… this is what sleep deprivation can do to a person:

“People who don’t get enough sleep may lack energy, be depressed or irritable, have trouble remembering everyday things, and get sick more often than people who get enough sleep. They seem to age faster and they may have problems concentrating at work or school. Some scientists believe a lack of sleep may have a role in diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, and even obesity. “

Umm..yea, that’s my life in one descriptive paragraph. As I’m sure it’s yours if you have any children under the age of say 5 years old. I am sure HOPING it gets better as the kids get older. I do expect to be able to REALLY sleep again in my lifetime, and I would like it to be sooner rather than later.

Of all the adjustments to parenthood, this has probably been the most difficult. With my older son S, it wasn’t AS bad, because #1, there was just one child in the house, and #2, he was a better sleeper (because he was adopted at 2.5 months of age, and I didn’t have to go through the early stage of feeding every 2 hours). With Baby AB, I have to bluntly say that it’s been ROUGH. I had a tough pregnancy, during which I probably had maybe 3 or 4 good nights of sleep (but definitely NOT 8 hours at a time!). And since AB’s birth, I don’t think I’ve managed to sleep longer than 5 hours at one time. And I can count the times that has happened on 1 1/2 hands.

But, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I forsee a time very soon when I’ll get 6, 7, and maybe 8 hours of sleep again. It will be up to me to be disciplined though. I will have to go to bed when AB does, since crazy S likes to get up at the crack of dawn. It will mean putting my laptop down, turning off the TV, and crawling in to bed before I’m “ready”. But, if I want to reverse the irritable, stressed out, depressed, unfocused rut I’m in, I better plan on it. Otherwise, I’m standing in line for diabetes and more heart trouble. Cause everything else on the “symptoms/consquences list”, I already have…

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